[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
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I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?