put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
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ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Hard not to take this personally