Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
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you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower