Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
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The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
San Francisco has too many rules
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
When your man makes a valid point
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth