I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
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Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.