“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
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How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever