How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
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I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.