Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
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Seems a bit forward
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
checking out some reviews of my local library
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Finally!
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.