[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
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“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians