If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
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My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Not even remotely sorry.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.