Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
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WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Fries, not lies.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich