Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
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Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Every work meeting this week