ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
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Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
we’re dead?
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.