Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
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alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241