How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
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Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Saturday
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Think I pulled my liver
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?