When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
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To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen