don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
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one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
When libraries troll their patrons.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels