If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
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ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.