[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
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Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.