[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
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Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
No. YOU-buprofen.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit