me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
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[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”