My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
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Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”