[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
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I don’t make the rules sorry
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
How did we not see this back then?
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit