I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
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theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
tinder is all about the long game