I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
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Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
At Walmart during the holidays like..
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Genius idea!!
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
I am HOWLING at this
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”