ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
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boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.