[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
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It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]