[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
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Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Barbie gone wild
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.