[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
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I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.