wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
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Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl