Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
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People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.