[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
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Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there