Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
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Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos