i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
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I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Does this dress make me look cat?