Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
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you gotta be faster
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
dutch so unserious