Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
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I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I just ran a .003048K
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
my proudest tweet
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.