Mornin
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I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years