Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
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I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
NASA has no chill
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.