[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
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I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.