I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
You Might Also Like
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*