My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
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Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt