It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
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Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
got so much cardio in today
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”