I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
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me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up