According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
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Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
lmao
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Yes my dude
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]