Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
You Might Also Like
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Not today.. 😂
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes