Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
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On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Perfect.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”