I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
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My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.