It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
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Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.