person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
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I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Me trying to “trust the process”
Rather alarming headline…
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”