Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
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Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!